If you’ve ever experienced trauma, you likely understand what it feels like to try and keep your world in check. I don’t like to admit I have control issues, because to me its not about wanting to be in charge so much as it is my way to feel safe. Unfortunately, constantly trying to control my entire life has prevented me from being able to live in the moment and embrace life fully.
Surrender to What is:
Recently I have been working through Trauma Release Therapy and part of my process has been to learn to let go. After being conditioned for so long to try and control everything I can, this has not been easy. However, I have recently begun to notice a change as I work through experiences of my past. I often say it feels odd to ‘work at letting go,’ as that seems like its own form of control, but it is work. It’s relearning behavior patterns we have relied on for so many years.
In addition to the pandemic, we’ve all been dealing with, the last several years have also come with some major life changes for me.. So my stress level has been extremely high, leading to additional autoimmune conditions and a bit of burnout. Part of my work in trauma release is to learn to reduce my natural fight or flight response, as I have pretty much been living in this state. In addition to everything else going on, I hit my 50s and have experienced many of those major life changes that include issues with memory. The downfall being the continued desire to maintain control as you feel these changes.
Transformation Happens on the Other Side of Surrender:
Recently, I was heading to the store and when I got to my car I didn’t see the driver's side window. My initial thought was that someone had tried to break in, but I didn’t see any glass anywhere. Then I realized I had left the window down. For over 24 hours! How had I done this? Granted, as I thought through what I had done the day before, I was able to recall I was cleaning out my car and wiping down the dashboard, etc, so I apparently finished up on the passenger's side, locked the doors, and went inside. But that is not like me. I usually walk around the car, making sure everything is set and secure. Something that seems so simple of a mistake to others, even hearing others say, “I do that stuff all the time”, is not a usual experience to me.
Have Faith in What will Be:
Based on all I have been working through this left me wondering, “Am I losing my mind or letting go?” The result of these seemingly basic things can cause a backslide in someone with anxiety. Do I go back to making sure everything is evaluated every day so I can assure myself I am not losing my mind, or do I continue to work to let go, knowing I am still safe and don’t have to be perfect in memory or in a situation. It is a constant battle but I know the direction I want to head. I know I want to grow. So I continue to let go with the faith that life will be better as I no longer hold myself back from living freely. One day at a time.
For those interested in some of the resources I have used in addition to running, I have increased my meditation and yoga practices, including Yin/Restorative Yoga, Vagus Nerve Stretches, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. I have also been reading two new books, ‘Try Softer’ and ‘Strong Like Water’, by Aundi Kolber.
