Unfortunately apologizing seems to be my middle name because of my constant inconsistencies. On any given day I'm saying a ton of apologies; let alone in a week! As a four-time suicide attempt survivor and my battle with borderline personality disorder, I must say it’s extremely hard keeping commitments most of the time. It really sucks because it makes me look like a crappy person and also it makes me look like I don’t care about my recovery or other people’s feelings. This is completely untrue and I wish people could see my heart and not my disorder!
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is very difficult. I’ve battled with this disorder most
of my life and I have been very inconsistent most of my life as well. I feel that having this
disorder and inconsistency go very hand in hand, unfortunately. Suicidal behaviors and suicides
are very common in people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Research has shown that about 75% of people with Borderline Personality Disorder will make at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime, and many will make multiple suicide attempts.
I constantly miss doctor’s appointments and don’t show up to friends' get-togethers. This is all absolutely unintentional and it leaves me feeling like absolute crap. I hate this part of having
borderline personality disorder – the inconsistent struggle is so much of a daily struggle! And I
feel like so many people don’t understand this part of having this specific symptom when it
comes to this mental illness. But I can only take it day by day and sometimes moment by
moment honestly.
I spend a lot of my time apologizing for my inconsistencies. When I don’t show up or miss an
event or don’t keep my word I have to constantly apologize to all the people I hurt or affect
unintentionally. The truth is I have a mental illness that affects my entire life and the
inconsistencies are a part of it. Honestly, people need to be more understanding and accepting
of this very true reality of mine.
I am currently learning DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills on how to cope with my
mental illness more effectively. I am committed to my recovery, and I am committed to
learning to be consistent. I'm also committed to making better decisions for myself and to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. Not only that but I will be the person that I am destined and meant to be.
I have hope again for the first time in a very long time.
I have hope that one day I can live a fulfilling life where I can be more in control of my
triggers and emotions instead of them controlling me. I never let borderline personality disorder
define who I am as a human being and I am so much more than my mental illness.
I am so much more than my suicide attempts and the effects that they’ve caused.
I am a survivor.
I am a fighter.
I will overcome my inconsistencies.
I will one day thrive over my mental illness and I know that for sure because I have a warrior spirit within me and I won’t stop.
I’m not giving up and neither should you!
Angie Blevins is a 2022 Still I Run Ambassador. You can keep up with her adventures on Instagram at @butterflyangieblevins .
